Natural State

Written on January 23rd, 2017

I wonder if loneliness is my natural state
Can years of believing you are an outsider cause you to become one?
Self-fulfilling prophecy, my roommate calls it
Maybe I don’t feel fulfilled unless I’m leaking sadness
Maybe I am not me unless my emotions are twenty feet tall

Is it possible that I exist in the empty spaces between book chapters
And the white silence when one song finishes and another has yet to start?
Perhaps I am a playlist wrought with scratches and flats
Or perhaps I am the emptiness you feel when your favorite song becomes just another noise

I know I set myself up for failure – I have watched it happen through eyes painted with tears
The world brings me helpings of joy but they taste so sweet alongside heartbreak
And some days I think I am something special
Some nights I know I am anything but

I wonder what it is like to ooze confidence instead of apologies
To feel the ferocity of standing your ground
To take the world in your hands and shake it up like it weighs nothing more than a memory
It seems I’d forgotten how heavy the past can be

I do this to myself, I am adept at embracing blame
And I continue to dwell on the most trivial of things
But in solitude at one a.m. I realize how foolish I have been
Half of the world parties outside my door, half of it sleeps
And I feel at home in the emptiness caught in-between

I wonder if loneliness is my natural state
Can nothingness be as fulfilling as tangibility?

I find myself in the spaces between words and the semicolons linking sentences
But I have yet to remember who I am when it’s time to turn the page
I’ve done this to myself, but I can’t see the switch to make it stop
Maybe I am not me unless I wrestle with isolation
Maybe I can’t exist without an addiction to silence and this fear of what it might mean

I wonder what it’s like to find yourself without crafting any contradictions
Because I am bursting with too many to reconcile